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17 March 2012 @ 11:16 pm
Sketches by Crayons - Kyo x Ryou - 7/?  
Title: Sketches by Crayons
Chapter: 7/??
Author: simply_emotion
Genre: Drama, angst, romance
Rating: R
Pairings: Kyo [Dir en grey] x Ryou [kannivalism]
Warnings: Mentions of depression and suicide.
Summary: It was Kyo’s turn to look away - down to the floor where the crayons and the bits and pieces of Ryou’s life lay scattered.


Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six


Sketches by Crayons
...and the Thread of the Thing
The Thread of the Thing - Fay Wolf



Ryou's first day back in the chair was like he had never left. It was the same drab walls threatening to suffocate him, painted white and decorated with watercolor paintings of scenes that didn't exist. It was the same intrusive questions asked by the same deadpan therapist who already knew everything there was to know about him. Ryou even had the same sarcastic answers for her… the answers that answered nothing at all.

"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Handa asked, her monotonous voice the perfect complement to her plain style and graying hair.

"Like I don't want to be here." Ryou said resentfully.

Dr. Handa ignored him. His sarcasm rolled off her like it was nothing. She knew him that well and it annoyed him that much more when she began to write notes down in his file. Like she already had him all figured out while he was ever clueless... ever the same.

They sat there in silence, Ryou shifting uncomfortably in these too familiar surroundings. He swore he wasn't going to budge this time. He was only there to appease Kyo. That was it. He wasn’t going to do this again.

But somehow, someway, she would get him to talk. He knew it, she knew it. It was only a matter of time.

He waited and Dr. Handa continued to write.

The clock ticking on the wall was straight out of a sob romance novel and Ryou contemplated smashing it. He didn't do it, but he found some inclination of comfort in thinking about it.
He waited some more and thought about it some more. It got louder and he became more tempted. Then he realized he was obsessing about it and that wasn’t a good thing.

"Patience isn't a virtue..." he mumbled to himself and sighed. He rubbed at his head and tried to ignore the ticking.

"What was that?" Handa asked, as if she hadn’t heard him loud and clear. This was her way of getting him to clarify his emotions with words and then talking about it, which was exactly what he wasn’t going to do.

"Would placing my money directly in the trash help speed this along?" Ryou paraphrased for her.

"It might," Handa replied coolly.

"Really?" Ryou was dubious about that, but if it kept things off subject, he was willing to go with it.

"Why are you here?" Handa asked pointedly, and Ryou's hopes were crushed just like that.

"To throw money at my disease," Ryou said sarcastically.

Dr. Handa abruptly looked up from her work. She placed her pen aside and bridged her hands over her lap. She proceeded to stare right through him with her dark brown eyes, searching for something she could use to break him open.

"Fine," Ryou gave in, only because it was never going to end otherwise. "He made me come back here."

"Who did?" she asked.

"Who else?" Ryou retorted in annoyance.

"Tooru?" Handa guessed.

"Kyo,” Ryou corrected her.

"I see," she nodded, apparently unfazed by this dramatic turn of events in his life. "So you're talking to him again?"

"Sure." Ryou said.

"And he made you come back to therapy?" she asked.

"More like gave me an ultimatum," Ryou scoffed. "An unfair ultimatum."

"Which was?" Handa prodded shamelessly.

"Take a good guess," Ryou told her.

"He was going leave you."

Those weren’t the exact words that had been used in their conversation, but it was close enough. Just hearing the threat made Ryou angry all over again. It was an unfair position he was being put in and being here felt more like he was being tortured rather than helping himself. Kyo had no idea what coming here was like. He didn’t know what it was like to prodded and questioned about things that he really just didn’t want to talk about. Things that were better left buried or unanalyzed, because if you thought about it too deeply, you would learn things that you did not want to know. Things that could hurt, or even break everything you thought to be true.

Yet here he was. Doing as he was told, like a good pet who didn’t want to be left abandoned on the side of the road.

“Yeah… well,” Ryou mumbled as he turned his gaze to the beige carpet beneath his feet. "More like kick me out, but I guess it’s the same thing."

There was a long pause where Dr. Handa absorbed that bit of information, and Ryou just sat there feeling pathetic about the whole thing.

“So you’re living together again,” she observed.

"Sort of," Ryou said. “I needed a place to stay. He gave me one. That’s it. We’re not together.

"How did that come about?” Dr. Handa asked. “The last time we talked I was under the impression you two weren’t on speaking terms.”

“We weren’t.” Ryou conceded reluctantly. “After I was released from the hospital, I went to see him.”

“Tell me about it.”

“There’s not much to tell,” Ryou said, shifting again in his seat. “I got out. I went to see. He got angry and sent me away. So I went to go see what had happened to my old apartment. I found out it had been rented to someone else. Then Kyo appeared out of nowhere. Like something out of a TV show. He told me I could stay at his place. So I did.”

“He said he sent you away when you went to see him,” Handa pointed out. “Why? What did you two talk about?”

The sudden U-Turn was unexpected and Ryou knew Dr. Handa was digging for something specific that happened that day. Ryou had no idea what it could have been, but he sorted through his memories anyways.

“We didn’t talk about anything. Like I said, he was angry.” Ryou said. “I guess I surprised him. We hadn’t been talking after all. I don’t think he knew what to do when I showed up. I mean, he has always been like that. If he doesn’t know what to do, he just walks away or pushes you away.”

“He’s been doing that to you for a while now, hasn’t he?” Dr. Handa asked.

“You know he has,” Ryou said. He still didn’t know what she was trying to get at, but it was bringing up some bitter memories, so it must have been working.

“So, you left after that.” Dr. Handa continued.

“Yes, I went to my old apartment. “ Ryou repeated. “It was rented out to someone else. Anything else I need to clarify?”

“Why didn’t you pay your rent?”

“I didn’t really think about it when I was in the hospital.” Ryou said, then stopped. “Well, no. That’s not true. I just didn’t care. I wasn’t planning on going back at the time.”

“I see,” Dr. Handa said, and she seemed satisfied. She returned her attention to his file and began writing again. “So, Kyo found you. What happened?”

Ryou shot her a glare, then sank back into his seat in defeat. Dr. Handa was running the show now, and she was going to steer him in whatever direction she pleased. Nothing short of blatantly refusing to answer her questions was going to stop her before she got to where she was going.

“Yeah, he found me.” Ryou said. He closed his eyes and tried to recall the look on Kyo’s face there in the hallway that day. It was all a bunch of blurred and distorted images in his mind. He remembered how detached Kyo sounded though, how his shoulders sagged and how he wouldn’t meet Ryou’s eyes.

“He came after me.” Ryou continued. “I think he felt sorry for me. Or just sorry. Or guilty. I don’t know. I was a little distressed at the time. He seemed reluctant about it.”

“Did you two talk?” Handa asked.

“Not really… I kind of lost it when he showed up. “ Ryou admitted. He opened his eyes again, stared at the ceiling. “I know I was careless and that it was my own fault that I lost my apartment. But it still upset me. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t want to find a new apartment. I didn’t want to stay at a hotel. I didn’t want to see my family. I wanted my old life back and I couldn’t have it… That’s when he told me I could stay at his place.”

“I see.”

“He said he was going on tour and that he wouldn’t be there…” Ryou reflected. “Maybe he wasn’t expecting me to still be there when he got back. I don’t know. I never said anything about it.”

“You didn’t ask him?”

“No.”

“And how is this arrangement working out so far?”

"Well, I'm here aren't I?" Ryou said warily.

"And how do you feel about that?" Handa asked.


"It pisses me off," he declared without thinking. "He hasn't changed at all... At all! There's never another solution to his problems. It’ always do what he says or go away. That's it. Nothing else. What am I supposed to do with that? I used to think it was funny, but it’s not anymore. He’s selfish and I’m tired. I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to lose him. What am I supposed to do? He’s so damn inconsiderate."


"He seemed to be considerate of you when he ‘made you come back to therapy’, as you put it." Dr. Handa observed. "Even though you were the one who chose to come here, rather than face the alternative."


"No," Ryou said, because that wasn't how he saw things. "He just wants to make himself feel better. He thinks I'm going to try and off myself again."

"Is that not being considerate?" Dr. Handa asked. "He's worried about you."

"I'm not suicidal though," Ryou said stubbornly.

"But what have you done to prove that?"

"What do you mean?"

"What have you done to prove to him that you’re not suicidal?" Dr. Handa asked again. "Have you done anything to show him you're moving on in life? Are you singing again? Writing? Have you gone back to work? Have you spoken to your friends? Your family? Are you moving forward?"

"That doesn't have anything to do with it..."

"Then what would make him think you're suicidal?" Dr. Handa asked.

Ryou clenched his jaw, his fists, and every muscle in his body. For a long time he had to fight back a wave of anger that almost made him get up and walk out of the session. He tried to rationalize that Dr. Handa had no idea what she was talking about… but that wasn’t true. She did this for a living and Ryou, well… he was just living it.

He had no answer, no rebuttal, nothing. He hadn’t done a single thing to prove he was better. From Kyo’s point of view, he was still depressed and screwed up and probably plotting to kill himself again. That realization made Ryou even more upset.

“Have you two even talked about what happened?” Dr. Handa went on.

“About me wanting to throw myself off a building?” Ryou asked bitterly. “No, we haven’t talked about that either.”

“Perhaps that would be a good place for you to start. “ Dr. Handa suggested. “Maybe you can tell him what you can’t seem to tell me.”



-




Ryou was exhausted by the time he got home that evening. More so mentally than physically, but that was to be expected when you had just spent two hours getting your head shrinked and then another hour and a long bus ride trying to figure out what it all meant. It wasn’t something you simply got used to or even recovered from. At least, that was how it was for Ryou.

Dr. Handa had him scheduled for sessions two times a week now. It seemed a bit excessive, but Handa thought it was necessary and Ryou knew better than to argue with a shrink. It made him feel sick just thinking about it, but it would be two hours out of the house that would fool Kyo into believing he was ‘getting better’.

However stupid the whole situation was, Ryou was going to deal with it. Simply because he had nothing better to do right now. Even if it meant passing out on the couch as soon as he got home. Which, he did.

He slept there undisturbed for nearly four peaceful hours before Kyo came home that night and subsequently dumped all of his things—coat, keys and bag—right on top of Ryou’s head.

It turned out to be just as big of a surprise for Kyo, who obviously hadn’t known he had been laying there, when his pile of debris began to move and Ryou sleepily emerged from under it.

“Oh,” Kyo said, staring down at him dumbstruck. The word “sorry” probably never occurred to him.

Ryo shrugged off the remains of Kyo’s coat and sat up. He stared blearily at the floor for a moment, then looked up at Kyo and asked, “Should I find somewhere else to stay? Should I just leave?”

Kyo just blinked, obviously blindsided by the question. It took him a moment, but he asked, “Is that what you want?”

“I’m not sure what I want matters right now,” Ryou said, scratching irritably at his mess of hair. “According to you, it’s always been about what I want…”

Kyo flinched at the verbal attack from a few nights ago. It gave Ryou some sense of satisfaction to see the pain reflected in his eyes—the same pain Ryou had felt when Kyo had used the same words against him.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kyo said unconvincingly.

“Yes you did,” Ryou scoffed with a halfhearted smile. “Don’t be nice to me. Not now. You have no right.”

Kyo’s eyes narrowed in on him at that accusation and Ryou could see the tension take hold of him. “What the hell do you want me to say?” he asked.

“Whatever the hell you want to say,” Ryou said, becoming annoyed. “You never had a problem with telling me to go away before. Why not now?”

Kyo tried to say something, but stopped himself before he could. The look on his face softened but his voice did not. “I never wanted that,” he said.

“Then why the hell did you spend two whole years telling me that’s what you wanted?” Ryou almost shouted at him.

He watched as Kyo’s most effective defense was thrown up around the both of them.

Silence. It said so much, but it solved so little.

Ryou looked away. “I don’t know how to deal with you anymore,” he said.

“Why did you come back?” Kyo asked irritably. “And don’t tell me it was because you had no place else to go. You had plenty of people you could have gone to, but you chose me. Why?”

It was Ryou’s turn to keep silent. It wasn’t because he didn’t have an answer. It was because he did, and he didn’t like what it was.

Ryou refused to look up, but he could feel Kyo’s scrutinizing gaze watching him closely. It made him want to flee the room and find some place to hide.

“It’s not easy, is it?” Kyo asked and his anger seemed to recede into empathy. He wasn’t mocking Ryou, he was just being honest for once in his life.

“I came back because I wanted to be with you,” Ryou confessed, and he felt every bit as sad and pathetic as he thought he would for saying it. However, as long as they were being honest, he couldn’t keep denying it.

“But I make you miserable,” Kyo said softly.

Ryou felt the harsh sting of tears spring to life in his eyes. He was too tired to hold them back anymore, but when he tried to let them go, he heard himself laughing instead. “Yeah, you do,” he managed to say between laughs. “You really do make me miserable.”

He didn’t know what he found so funny about it. His eyes hurt and his chest felt like it was about to explode, but here he was laughing about a simple statement they had both known for a long time now.

Maybe it was the irony that Kyo was just now admitting the possibility that he made Ryou’s life miserable, or maybe it was because he knew it and he continued to keep doing it anyways. Or maybe it was because that wasn’t how it was at all, but Ryou didn’t know how it really was… and it was all just so stupid and confusing in his head that he couldn’t help it. So he laughed.

Kyo probably thought he was crazy, and that was probably true.

“Maybe I should leave…” Ryou mused once his bout of laughter died down. “I’m screwed up, Tooru, and it’s got nothing to do with you.”

He lifted his gaze to Kyo once more, and he was looking down at Ryou dubiously. He took Kyo by the hand and gently pulled him down on the couch beside him. Kyo tumbled into place at his side a bit reluctantly, but he didn’t fight.

“You don’t make me miserable,” Ryou said.

Kyo let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. Ryou couldn’t read any thoughts beyond the tired look on his face. He was exhausted. They both were. They were trying to deal with something that they couldn’t seem to deal with, and it was beginning to take its toll.

Kyo had dark lines under his eyes and there was a crease on his forehead that Ryou didn’t remember being there. He seemed distant… spread thin and not as bright as he used to be.

All because of Ryou.

“Would it be easier if you left?” Kyo asked helplessly.

“I don’t know,” Ryou said honestly. “I don’t think it’d make a difference.”

So they sat there, looking ahead and not at each other, neither of them knowing where to go from there. Ryou desperately wanted to say something that would break down that feeling of apprehension that had formed between to two of them.

Even though Kyo was right there next to him, his hand still in Ryou’s, he felt so very far away. More than anything, Ryou just wanted him to come back, to the way they had been before.

“I never asked for this,” Kyo said after a while, startling Ryou.

Ryou’s fingers tightened around Kyo’s hand, unwilling to let go. He felt like if he let do now, he’d never be able to reach Kyo again.

“I didn’t ask for it either,” he said. “I never wanted to be this way. It just happened.”

“Why, though?” Kyo asked. “What happened that was so bad?”

“Nothing,” Ryou said, wishing that this conversation didn’t have to go any further than that. But he knew he was being selfish, and he couldn’t afford to be that way anymore. “It was a lot of little stuff… Some of it was you, some of it was the band, my family… a lot of it was myself and how I chose to deal with it. I can’t name one thing.”

Kyo seemed to take it all in and throw around in his own head. Ryou could feel the tension in his hand. He could see it in the way he fidgeted, how he scratched his head with his free hand, how he breathed. Ryou still knew him that well, and he could only hope that it was enough to make Kyo believe in him again.

“I never wanted to do this to you,” Ryou went on, when it became apparent that Kyo had nothing else to say. “I knew I was going downhill. That’s why I left. “

“I never wanted you to leave,” Kyo said then. “You never even gave me a choice in the matter.”

“I didn’t want you to go through that,” Ryou said. “It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t fun.

“That wasn’t your choice to make,” Kyo said bitterly.

“It was my choice,” Ryou said stubbornly, and then he said something he didn’t mean to. “I wasn’t planning on coming through it, Tooru. I was gone. I didn’t want you there.”

Kyo tried to break away from him then. He stood up and yanked his hand out of Ryou’s grasp. Ryou refused to let go though. He stood as well and took hold of Kyo’s other hand. When Kyo tried to push him away, Ryou pulled back. Kyo tried to fight him, tried to look away, but Ryou wouldn’t let him. He yanked Kyo towards him and forced him to look him in the face.

“I came back,” he said, looking Kyo in the eye. “I came back. If you don’t want me here, that’s fine. But what I went through, I had to do alone. If you had been there, I wouldn’t have come back, Tooru. Do you understand that?”

“No, I don’t understand,” Kyo growled. He gave Ryou another violent shove and broke free of his grasp.

Ryou lurched forward and grabbed him by the front of his shirt instead. Kyo lifted his hand, and for a moment, Ryou thought Kyo was going to hit him. Instead, Kyo grabbed him by the wrist, hard.

Ryou expected Kyo to pry him off again, but he didn’t. They just stood there, face to face, both of them trying to burn their will upon the other. Ryou could see the confusion in his eyes and the internal battle that Ryou himself had once struggled with.

Kyo was trying to defend himself, not physically, but emotionally. Ryou knew all too well what it was like, to hurt and know that more hurt was coming. He saw that reflected in Kyo’s face, and as much as he wanted to stop, he couldn’t.

He needed Kyo to understand.

“I wouldn’t have made it if you had been there,” Ryou said desperately. “Do you understand? Going back to you was all I had to fight for.”

“You said I was part of the problem,” Kyo hissed and his grip on Ryou’s wrist tightened.

“You were!” Ryou all but shouted. “But so was everyone and everything else. I told you, I was messed up!”

“You’re still messed up,” Kyo spat.

“Yeah, I am.” Ryou agreed. “I never said I wasn’t. But I’m working on it.”

“Why did you come back?” Kyo asked again. “If I was the only thing keeping you from killing yourself, why the hell did you come back now?”

“Because whether you believe it or not, I am getting better.” Ryou said. “I meant it when I said I came back because I wanted to be with you.”

“You’ve told me a lot of stuff,” Kyo said. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

That struck Ryou harder than any blow could have. Shame washed over him and he let go of Kyo abruptly. He looked down, at the space between them. But Kyo didn’t let go of his wrist.

“I never lied to you.” Ryou said quietly.

Kyo didn’t say anything.

“If you want me to go, I will.” Ryou offered.

Kyo pulled him forward then, and Ryou suddenly found himself wrapped up in Kyo’s arms, unable to move. “I told you I didn’t want you to go.” Kyo whispered angrily into his ear. “Stop assuming stuff on your own.”

“Then start telling me what you really want,” Ryou snapped. “I’m tired of guessing.”

He wanted to be angry at Kyo. He wanted to be offended. He wanted to be able to push Kyo away and stick to his guns. Instead, he could only wrap his arms around Kyo and cling to him like the lifeline that he was.

Something changed in that moment. It wasn’t any form of enlightenment and no pivotal words had been spoken. Nothing had been solved, yet Ryou felt like they finally understood each other for the first time. He no longer felt like Kyo was so far away, there in his arms, his breath warm against his neck.

In that moment of change, Ryou succumbed to everything at once. He buried his face in Kyo’s shoulder and began to cry. “I missed you.”



--------------------------------------


Notes

Yes, I spent months working on this, on and off. I blame Aion and MMOs in general, and after that I blame work, and after that I blame the television, and after that I blame my own damn laziness. I'm sure I've lost all my readers for this series, so I guess I'm just talking to myself right now.

But yay, I finally finished this chapter. I'd give myself a pat on the back if I thought it'd make myself feel better.
 
 
 
Elenielenilovesyou on March 18th, 2012 10:34 am (UTC)
finally ;~;

...i can't say anything else 'cause i'm just so happy this continues
Baucibauci on March 18th, 2012 06:08 pm (UTC)
I'm enjoying watching them picking through pieces and putting everything back together. I hope they succeed :3