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10 July 2010 @ 03:22 pm
Sketches by Crayons - Kyo x Ryou - 6/??  
Title: Sketches by Crayons
Chapter: 6/??
Author: simply_emotion
Genre: Drama, angst, romance
Rating: R
Pairings: Kyo [Dir en grey] x Ryou [kannivalism]
Warnings: Mentions of depression and suicide.
Beta: inner_demons_
Summary: It was Kyo’s turn to look away - down to the floor where the crayons and the bits and pieces of Ryou’s life lay scattered.

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

Sketches by Crayons
...and Living with the Ghosts
Breathturn - Hammock

“I will never get used to this bed,” Ryou stated, even though he knew Kyo was still sleeping and would thus never hear him.

He had just picked himself up off the floor to sit on the equally hard edge of the bed that he would indeed, never get used to. He thought it might be easier once Kyo came back, but for the first two weeks he couldn’t even bring himself to sit on the same bed, much less sleep on it.

It was too strange to just go back to the way things were. There was still a gap between what had been and what was, and Ryou had no idea how he was supposed to fill it. So he continued to sleep on the floor, and Kyo never bothered him about it.

Kyo never bothered him about much of anything, actually. It was like they had become two ghosts living in the same house, each doing their best to stay out of the way of the other. A sad existence neither one knew how to fix.

In the morning, Ryou was always the first one awake. But instead of waking Kyo up like so many times before, Ryou let the alarm clock do its job instead.

He had a new morning routine that he had become comfortable with. Before sunup, Ryou would sit out on the front porch and draw unsubstantial but meaningful things with his crayons. He enjoyed witnessing the world come alive around him and the he enjoyed the sounds that it made. But in the back if his mind, he was actually waiting and listening for the sound of Kyo.

Kyo would eventually wake up, but he never stuck around for very long.

Ryou always watched him drive away.

Sometimes Kyo wouldn’t come home until the next day, if even then. Such was the life of a rockstar— a life Ryou had once lived, so he knew better than most what it was like to be gone more often than not. But that meant he was left to his own devises more often than not, and sometimes it was hard fill the hours.

With the house to himself, Ryou spent most of his time with music and books. When he felt adventurous enough to get out, he went shopping. He was still replacing things that had been lost along with his apartment, but he was in no hurry to get it done. Mostly he just stayed home and wandered about. He would find scraps of paper that Kyo had deemed trash, and he’d write things on them. Mostly it was thoughts and memories that weren’t shared with any particular person, but sometimes there were moments of inspired truth in between. He pieced them together like a mosaic—a grand idea in the making that he would probably never fully realize.

At night, he’d fall asleep in his usual spot on the floor next to Kyo’d equally hard bed. Then he’d wake up and start the routine all over again.

Nothing but time and space.

Today was going to be different, though. Today, he was going to become corporeal.

Ryou crawled across the solid expanse of Kyo’s bed, stopping just short of Kyo himself. He looked down at his former lover and found himself choking on a sudden wave of uncertainty, unable to close in those last few inches that separated them.

“Tooru?” he said, more cautiously than was usual for him.

There was a time when he would have shouted Kyo’s name and then jumped on top of him with little regard for the fragileness of the human body. Back then, he never had a care or a doubt. He enjoyed the fowl moods that Kyo always woke up in, and the stupid fights that came out of it. There had always been something affectionate about it, though no one else but the two of them would have known it.

But that was then, and this was now.

He couldn’t do it.

Not yet.

Ryou got up and left.

AKB48. The alarm was going off, somewhere on the other side of the room, and it was playing AKB48.

Kyo hated AKB48.

He turned over in bed and tried his best to ignore it.

No luck.

Even though he was good at sleeping, he wasn’t that good. The song was simply too annoying and too loud to sleep through. So he threw off the covers and went looking for it.

Half blind with sleep, he tore up the bedroom before he found it in the very last place he looked. It had been strategically placed under a pile of clothes by the bathroom door, and Kyo knew exactly who to blame for that. By the time he ripped the batteries out of it, he was wide awake and he was not happy about it.

He would not get used to waking up like this again—not after two years of being woken up too early by the one person who annoyed him more than AKB48.

Speaking of Ryou, Kyo noticed he was missing from the bedroom. That wasn’t unusual, but Kyo was surprised to find him in the kitchen instead of camped out on the front porch with his coloring book like he normally was. By the looks of it, Ryou had decided to exchange his crayons for a pen and was busy jotting things down in one of Kyo’s unused notebooks.

Ryou didn’t seem to notice Kyo come in, so Kyo ignored him right back.

There was a pot of freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, and Kyo had no problems with helping himself to half the pot. He was finishing his third cup and pretending not to care what Ryou was doing, when Ryou finally bothered to acknowledge his existence.

“I think I’m going to write a book,” he said.

Well that was unexpected.

Kyo just nodded. He wanted to ask why, but the question seemed redundant, so he didn’t. Ryou seemed serious about it though, and he needed something to occupy himself with anyways. He was spending too much time doing nothing and this would be a step up from his crayon therapy. Kyo didn’t see a reason to give him a hard time about it.

Ryou didn’t say anything after that, and Kyo had nothing to talk about either, so he left.

Post-production was Kyo’s least favorite part of the recording process. Mostly because he didn’t have a whole lot to do, and the hardest part of the day was listening to the same song, piece by piece, over and over again, while a handful of people picked it apart for flaws. Kyo wasn’t a very self conscious person, but being forced to listen to his own voice stuck on repeat could make even him feel sick after so long.

When it came time for a break, Kyo was more than ready to get out of the studio. While everyone else was busy discussing whether to eat out or dine in, Kyo gathered his things with the intention of ducking out for an hour or two of peace and quiet. That was, until Shinya caught him first.

“Ryou is living with you again, isn’t he?”

Kyo had no idea how Shinya managed to find that out, but he was not very happy about it.

“You and Kei been trading secrets again?” Kyo asked.

“So he is living with you,” Shinya said, as if some big deal had just been confirmed. “And, no. Kei just assumed that he was.”

“Didn’t Ryou tell him?” Kyo asked, although it was more of a sarcastic remark than an actual question.

“Ryou hasn’t spoken to him at all.” Shinya said, and that surprised Kyo.

“Oh,” Kyo said.

“You didn’t know that?” Shinya asked.

Kyo didn’t reply, because he knew exactly where Shinya was going to go with this, and he wasn’t in the mood for it. Shinya sighed, and Kyo could practically feel the disappointed look the drummer was giving him.

“Ryou left you.” Shinya said, like it was supposed to mean something.

“Well, as you can see, he came back.” Kyo replied haughtily, and began shoving things into his duffle bag so he could hurry up and leave. He couldn’t even look at Shinya, much less talk to him about this.

“This isn’t like you, Kyo.”

“Well that’s my problem, not yours.”

“He has issues—“ Shinya tried.

“We all do,” Kyo snapped.

“He walked out in the middle of his therapy.”

“It wasn’t helping him.”

“He wanted to kill himself, Kyo.”

“He didn’t.”

“But does he still want to?” Shinya asked.

Kyo had no answer to that. He still vividly remembered Ryou laying in that hospital bed, a medical bracelet dangling from his bandaged wrist. He had felt just as helpless back then like he did now, grasping for answers and arguments and reasoning that just didn’t exist—looking for a way to deal with things so breathing wouldn’t be so hard.

Kyo was staring down at his bag, unsure of what to do or say when Shinya laid a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s depressed, Kyo.” he said. “That doesn’t just go away. He’s not talking to his friends. He’s not talking to you. We know he’s not talking to his therapist. Right now, he’s at your home, unsupervised, and no one knows what he’s thinking or feeling. He’s not okay. This isn’t okay.”

Shinya was being gentle, and Kyo didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all, because Shinya had no idea what he was talking about and Kyo didn’t want to hear it. He brushed Shinya’s away, hefted his bag over one shoulder, and left.

Despite his stubbornness to believe only what he wanted to believe, Shinya’s words still managed to get inside his head. As he drove through the streets of Tokyo, he couldn’t stop thinking about Ryou laying in that hospital bed and how frail and tired he looked at the time. Kind of like how he looked now.

The more Kyo thought about it, the more he became agitated. Eventually, he was forced to pull over and call Ryou.

Just so he could prove Shinya was wrong.

Ryou was in the middle of dozing off on the front porch when the phone rang. At first, he wasn’t quite sure he heard it. But after the tenth or so ring, he realized he wasn’t dreaming and that someone was actually trying to get a hold of him. Ryou quickly rolled to his feet and dashed inside the house.

On his b-line for the kitchen, his foot struck something that nearly sent him flying into the wall. He managed to catch himself in time, but it was too late to save his foot. Limping for the phone and cursing every step of the way, he managed to get there before the caller hung up.

“What?” he demanded, reaching down to rub his throbbing foot.

“Ryou?” came Kyo’s voice. “Are you okay?”

Ryou was in too much pain to care that it was an extremely rare thing for Kyo to be calling him.

“I’m bleeding!” he yelped, and he was. All over the kitchen floor.

“Bleeding?” Kyo actually sounded mortified. “What did you do?”

“I busted my toe!” Ryou cried, scrambling to find paper towels or napkins or anything at all to stop the blood oozing from his foot. “This is all your fault!”

“My fault?” Kyo asked dumbly.

“You called!” Ryou cried.


“Nevermind!” Ryou hissed. “Where are the damn band-aids?”

“Are you okay?”

“No I’m not okay. I need a band-aid!”

“I don’t think we have any.” Kyo said.

“Oh that’s just great,” Ryou cursed. “It’s getting everywhere!”

“What is?”

“The blood!” Ryou howled in frustration and hung up on Kyo.

He limp-dashed to the bathroom where he knew he could find a towel.

Kyo didn’t know what he expected to find when he came home, but this wasn’t it.

His short but chaotic phone conversation with Ryou had left him disgruntled and even a little scared. With mentions of blood and bleeding and a dire need for band-aids, Kyo had to make an effort not to rush home. He did stop at the convenience store for band-aids, but it was a very quick stop.

When he finally did make it home, Ryou was lounging on the couch, relatively safe and intact, except for the t-shirt that was wrapped around his left foot.

There was blood all over the place, though.

“You’re home early,” Ryou commented, waving at Kyo with his ‘bandaged’ foot.

“What the hell happened here?” Kyo demanded, clutching the bag of band-aids in the hand to keep from yelling. “What did you do?”

“I busted my toe,” Ryou said, trying to sound helpless.

“That’s it?”

“I really busted it!” Ryou said earnestly, and began unwrapping his foot to show Kyo.

Kyo really wished he hadn’t.

The t-shirt bandage had been soaked all the way through, and Ryou’s toe was black and blue and crusted over underneath. Kyo cringed at the sight.

“I believe you,” he said and tossed Ryou the band-aids.

“Considering you used to cut and beat yourself into a bloody pulp, I never would have thought you’d be bothered by this.” Ryou remarked with a teasing grin.

But that was just it, wasn’t it?

“That was me, not you.”

“What?” Ryou asked, smile turning into a frown.

“This isn’t going to work,” Kyo said

“What isn’t?” Ryou asked.

“This,” Kyo growled, motioning at everything. He couldn’t look anywhere without seeing blood.

“I’ll clean it up.”

“No,” Kyo didn’t care about that. “It’s you. Doing this.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” Ryou huffed.

“You know what?” Kyo said. “Nevermind.”

Before things could go any further, Kyo walked away.

“Hey, wait!” Ryou called after him. “Come back! What did you call for earlier?”

Kyo didn’t answer. He was too angry.

What Shinya had started, Ryou was now finishing. And it was all his own damn fault.

Kyo had no idea what he was doing. That had just been made blatantly clear to him. But that knowledge didn’t come with any enlightenment. He still didn’t know what to do about his ignorance and that scared him.

He was fearing for Ryou’s life now.

Kyo went straight for the bedroom in a fury, hoping that Ryou wouldn’t follow him. He sat down on the bed and stared down at the trail of blood leading into the bathroom and then the closet. Those stains would probably never come out.

He didn’t really care about his floors, but he did care about the blood.

Maybe this time it had been an accident, but what about the next time?

Kyo knew all about what it was like to inflict wounds upon oneself. He knew the emotions and the reasoning behind it. He even knew the beauty and how ugly it could be. He couldn’t bare the thought of Ryou knowing the same things he did. There was a reason he quit the acts himself, and he wasn’t about to let Ryou pick where he had left off.

“Tooru?” Ryou said, cautiously stepping into the bedroom. “What’s going on?”

The answer came to Kyo only then.

“You need to go back,” he said.

Ryou stopped short and winced. He knew exactly what Kyo was talking about, and he had probably only just seen it coming.

“You can stay here,” Kyo went on. “But you need to go back to therapy.”

“I only stubbed my toe,” Ryou said softly.

“I know, and that doesn’t have anything to do with it.”

Ryou stood there for a moment, struggling. For words or for calm, Kyo didn’t know. Finally he said, “I don’t want to.”

Kyo let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed his face with both hands while he searched for the right words to say and the serenity to back them up.

Nothing came to him.

“If you want to stay here, that’s the condition.” he said flatly.

He could tell Ryou was angry before he even said anything.

“You said you were going to stop pushing me away,” Ryou said, and the bite in his voice was clear.

“I said I was going to try,” Kyo corrected him. “You’re going to have to make an effort here, too.”

“Make an effort?” Ryou said loudly. “All I’ve done these four years with you was make an effort! Now you’re asking me for more?”

“I’m asking you to make an effort for yourself,” Kyo snapped back. “Not me.”

“No!” Ryou cried, shaking his head. “You’re not. You’re afraid. It scares you that I tried to hurt myself back then. You think I’ll do it again, and it scares you and you don’t want to deal with it! You want me to go away so all of this will be fixed and you’ll feel better. You don’t give a damn about how I feel.”

“How you feel is exactly what I give a damn about!” Kyo yelled. He didn’t mean to, but he knew if he hadn’t, he might have done something worse just then.

Ryou had just crossed a line and Kyo wasn’t going to let that go. “If you can’t see past your own selfishness and stupidity, then you really do need to leave, Ryou.”

Ryou’s anger crashed against Kyo’s in the sudden silence of the room. He had never seen Ryou’s eyes look quite so wild before—like an animal backed into a corner, ready to strike. For a second, Kyo thought Ryou might actually hit him.

“I’m selfish?” Ryou seethed, his malice not contained. “I’m not the one asking for too much here.”

“I’m only asking you to get help.” Kyo said.

“You have no right.”

For one deafening second, that statement hung in the air, and then Kyo lost it.

“I have no right?” he scoffed in disbelief. “ Ever since you forced your way into my life, it’s always been about what you want! You wanted to talk to me. You wanted to be friends. You wanted a relationship. You wanted to move in and play house. You wanted me to fucking love you, and I did! I gave you every single one of those things! And when you got what you wanted, you left! So don’t you dare tell me I have no right.”

Kyo crossed the same line just then and he knew it. He was prepared for another round of not so choice words, and maybe even violence. But he wasn’t prepared to see Ryou turn his back and walk away.

Just like he had before.

“Wait,” Kyo called after him, and Ryou did so. “If you’re going to leave again, please don’t come back this time.”

Ryou considered it for a moment, then he said; “If I was so selfish back then, why did you put up with me?”

“Because I loved you,” Kyo said simply.

“And now?” Ryou asked.

“I never stopped loving you, Ryou.” Kyo told him.

There was a long pause that Kyo waited out with tired patience. He suddenly felt like he had been awake for days and had been running in circles for most of it. He didn’t want to fight anymore.

“I’m not leaving,” Ryou said finally, but he still left the room.

Kyo watched him go.

That night Ryou slept on the couch and Kyo didn’t sleep at all.


A/N: Thanks to inner_demons_ for beta'ing. :D

There's a great many things I hate about this chapter, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm lacking people to discuss my writing with, and I'm sick of rereading my own words for obvious mistakes that I'll never catch. x.x

Comments and criticism are both inspiring. D:
insurrectioninner_demons_ on July 10th, 2010 08:48 pm (UTC)
Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. I'll be back for this one, when I'm not rushing out the door.
insurrectioninner_demons_ on July 10th, 2010 08:50 pm (UTC)
Ps. If you don't have a beta in mind by then I would love to volunteer :)
simply_emotionsimply_emotion on July 10th, 2010 08:50 pm (UTC)
Sure, you got the job. xD
insurrectioninner_demons_ on July 11th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC)
Aha, awesome :) Let me know what needs to be done and fdkjndk onto actually commenting:

This update was totally unexpected, which probably made it so perfect and I had to go back and re-read the last chapter just to refresh everything and ljfhdgjfk. I really love your Shinya and how everything he says kind of sticks with Kyo and grows into obsession whether he wanted it to or not. The last part was of course fdjhg ): because I feel like the lack of communication came too late for them and ahhh. Love this series.
simply_emotionsimply_emotion on July 11th, 2010 05:51 pm (UTC)
Haha, not a whole lot to do except point out misspellings or whatever grammatical errors I happen to make. I have a bad habit of writing one word when I mean another and I almost never catch it. xD And of course, if you ever have any opinions on what I should change or work on, I'd love to hear that too.

Ugh, I know. I take forever to update. xD I only manage to work on this story after everyones already forgotten about it.
insurrectioninner_demons_ on July 13th, 2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
I wasn't sure if you wanted this in a comment or PM or what, but I have the page open so I figured I might as well comment it up this time around. Let me know. Also what is it you dislike about this chapter ):?

"...he couldn’t even bring himself to even sit on the same bed…" Not incorrect but kind of repetitive?

"In mornings, Ryou always woke first." That could be grammatically correct, but I'm not sure. I don't know if "every morning" or something would work better, up to you :)

"Before sun up, Ryou would sit out on the front porch…" There should probably be a "the" between before and sun. Unless you're going for "sunup" but I believe that's just one word.

"…but sometimes there was moments of inspired truth in between." I think that should be "were."

"Kyo was surprised find him in the kitchen…" You need a "to" between surprised and find.

He wanted to ask why, but the question seemed redundant, so he didn’t. There's no error, I just really love that line :)

[Also irrelevant, I love the part about recording/production in there. I always wondered what it was like for him to hear the pieces being put together and I think you explained it in a very Kyo-like fashion. I can picture that being his reaction, perfectly. Awesome job :)]

"While everyone else was busy discussing wether to eat out or dine in…" That should be "whether."

"Kyo had no idea how Shinya managed to find that out, but he was not very happy about it" You're just missing a period at the end of that one.

"He brushed Shinya’s hand off his shoulder, hefted his bag over one shoulder, and left." This is mostly me being picky, but the shoulder seems repetitive in that sentence. You could probably just say, "He brushed Shinya's hand away" or something to that nature. But! It's totally your choice.

"Ryou was in too much pain to care that this was an extremely rare thing for Kyo to be calling him." I'm not sure but I think "this" should be "it." Otherwise it sounds like a tense change.

Kyo actually sounded mortified. No error, just so adorable.

"…like an animal back into a corner." Needs to be "backed."

Also the last line is perfect :)

And sorry this took so long! Busy couple of days.
simply_emotionsimply_emotion on July 14th, 2010 02:43 am (UTC)
OM, comment, email, IM, whatever you like. It all works for me.

I don't know... It just feels like it's missing something, to me. I don't feel a whole lot happened... or I didn't pull it off right. It's a hard feeling to pin down. I'm also horrible at dialogue, so the whole going back to therapy discussion was like murder for me. D: I can't tell if it came out okay or not.

I made all the corrections. :] Thanks a bunch.
insurrectioninner_demons_ on July 14th, 2010 03:01 am (UTC)
Same here :) I guess I'll judge by length.

Ahh, the feeling of not being able to pinpoint anything is one I understand. But in terms of what happened, I almost think this is the most eventful so far. A lot got cleared up, and while maybe scene by scene it didn't feel like as much, they definitely came to an important conclusion. Also I love your dialogue :) It's witty and insightful and I think you do a great job of it. Their discussion is wonderful as is, no need to worry. I also think the way you write dialogue is perfect for your characters, it works some how as almost a personality feature. /I've missed your writing.

No problem :)
simply_emotion: Ryou - life issimply_emotion on July 14th, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC)
Haha, thanks. x_x I need to practice more I guess. I don't think I've ever written a long, serious conversation between these two before. I need to get over that fear, lol.

I'll try and write more. D: It's just been so damn hard with a new job and everything. I'm tired constantly now. xD
insurrectioninner_demons_ on July 14th, 2010 08:49 pm (UTC)
Good luck! Don't overwhelm yourself ): We need you around here!
(Deleted comment)
Baucibauci on July 12th, 2010 01:35 pm (UTC)
Oh. So many emotions. So well delivered. I really liked it.
凌辱gioiadivisione on July 14th, 2010 07:54 am (UTC)
I spoke to early when commenting on Chapter 5. I should have looked for the update again! But I'm soo happy for this update now, and hope for more in the future. I reallllly love the last part the most. I think that was one of the big things between them that was missing, the communication, and the oblivion to just what the other was giving in the relationship. Whereas Kyo really did give in to everything Ryou wanted, he did it in his own way that Ryou missed. He didn't say he loved him til too late, and I think by the time he did say it at the end of Only Moments, Ryou wasn't really there to listen.

“I’m not leaving,” Ryou said finally, but he still left the room.
I think this shows he's finally managed to wrap his mind around the fact that Kyo does love him. I wonder though. It's never been implied that Ryou's said it, and I know it's never been in the actual dialogue. And especially after the flashbacks in the previous chapters of how he talked about Kyo in therapy...did Ryou ever say he loves Kyo? I mean...I'd say it's obvious he does, but then again obsession's easy to confuse.
simply_emotionsimply_emotion on July 14th, 2010 08:42 pm (UTC)
Actually, I was wondering if someone would ever notice that! Ryou has never said he loved Kyo. It's probably my favorite dynamic of the story, because you'd think it would be vice versa, right? I mean, Kyo presents himself as this coldhearted person not capable of strong feelings for other people. But he ended up being the one that was more attached.

I'm gunna try and shed some light on Ryou's side of that issue in the next chapter. I notice I have a Kyo bias going on, as far as writing goes, and I need to put an end to that. Lol. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon. :] I don't have a whole lot of time for writing anymore, but I do intend to finish this story.
凌辱gioiadivisione on July 15th, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
Well I didn't even think about it until this chapter, but it seems really important. Especially since Ryou chose to walk away once Kyo finally started really giving. Ryou KNEW Kyo wasn't exactly Mr. Social Butterfly, but to take care of him even when he was a miserable wreck? That shows more than taking him out and showing him off would any day. Which is why I wondered if maybe it was a obsession. It's harder to obsess over something you have than it is something you really want and can't.

I can't wait for the new chapter.
♪♫ 도리안 ♫♪: mikusukenijiiro_no_iro on December 16th, 2010 03:58 am (UTC)
Just stumbled across this.
Automatic!love. ♥
This is really beautiful...